Archive for the ‘Ask Uncle Lumpy’ Category

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Question: Dear Uncle Lumpy, I think I’m in over my head – what should I do? [xoxo]

Answer:  Friend, I know this time of year is incredibly stressful, what with exams and presentations and all of the final touches to be put here and there.  You may be in over your head, but that just means your going to have to work extra hard to dig yourself out.  Like that great duo, the White Stripes, once said: Be like the Squirrel.  Break your problems into managable pieces and take them down one at a time, don’t think too much about the sheer size of the load, but prioritize and don’t give up.  And don’t forget to eat breakfast every day.  Might I suggest pancakes? They are tasty brainfood that can’t help but cheer you up when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Question: How can I ace my final?

Answer:  Well now, there are various ways one can ace a test, however there is only one way in which the “ace-er” deserves the praise, and can truly say that they aced the final….it is a complex idea, one which might seem unnecessary, but I, Uncle Lumpy, am here to tell you it is necessary.  Are you ready for the answer, the golden ticket into acing a college final? A knowledge so profound that your life as you know it will never be the same?  You sure you’re ready? Okay, here it is.  Work and study your badonkadonk off.  you know, your caboose, your tuchis, your gluteus maximus, your ASS.  WORK YOUR ASS OFF…and you will be rewarded for your hard work.

How Old Are You?

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

Answer: I’m young enough to not have been alive for World War I, but old enough to have lived through the Vietnam War.  I’m young enough to have been born in the 20th century, yet old enough to call you youngin’ without being hypocritical.  Still not sure? I’m young enough to not have been alive for the sinking of the Titanic, but old enough to have been alive for the sinking of the Titanic, in the movie.  I’m young enough to not have been alive for Black Friday (the original one), but old enough to have experienced Black Monday, and maybe a Black Tuesday.  I’m young enough to not have been able to meet Gustav Klimt, but old enough to have partied with Andy Warhol.   There ya go, that outta clear things up for you; and if you still need an exact number, remember that age is simply a mindset.  A number will not tell you a person’s true age, it will simply give you the number of years they’ve existed on earth, not the number of years they’ve lived.  The difference between those two things is extraordinary.

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

Q:      SEX? 703 867 1455

A:      Silly question. Youngin’ don’t you know I’ve taken my vows? Not of silence, of course, but of celibacy! I’ve been happily married for nigh on 33 years: to pancakes that is! My Emporium ain’t a place for carnal knolwedge, just art knolwedge. Ain’t you never heard of that there eharmony? Maybe they can help spice up your life in that deparment.

Ask Uncle Lumpy

Sunday, October 26th, 2008

Q: What happens when you break trust?

A: Oh dear. Well that’s a sticky situation.. and i’m talkin’ maple syrup kinda sticky. I suppose this would all depend on how trust got broken exactly. Did trust just sort of crack a little or did trust fracture completely? Can you fix trust with tape or will it take super glue or even a cast? Lets just hope trust doesn’t end up like Humpty-Dumpty. Hope trust gets well soon, best wishes from Uncle Lumpy!

Friday, October 24th, 2008

Q: Uncle Lumpy, will I be able to afford pancakes next year?

A: Well kiddo, lemme just impart some wisdom on ya right here.  Now Uncle Lumpy cain’t be tellin’ the future or nothin’, but he can tell you that most often or not, things have a habit of working out on their own, so my advice to you is to just keep workin hard and I’m sure that things’ll be just fine and you’ll have all the pancakes you need.  And if not, then I hear acrons can be used to make some darn tasty hotcakes.


Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Question: Can we have a study session together?

Answer: Your question makes me want to ask you a question, and that is, will we be studying about pancakes? If the answer is ‘yes’, then I am totally in, see you there!

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

Q: Who did Masaccio apprentice for? WHO WAS IT???

A: Well young-un, I’ll tell you what, I’m just as flummoxed as you!  Now old Uncle Lumpy may know a whole mess about art, but let me tell you one thing buckaroo, he don’t know everythang, that’s for darn sure.  In fact, I’d be willin’ ta bet my last two teeth and say that no one knows who he apprenticed for, it’s a downright Nancy Drew mystery.  Now why don’t you take the fine education you’re gettin’ here at Mary Wash and go and discover for yourself!  I know a couple of art historians who’ll be mighty thankful.  They might even spare you some yam-cakes out of gratitude…now THERE’s an incentive!


Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

Q. If you were a hotdog and you were starving would you eat yourself? I know I would, I’d smother myself   in mustard!

A. Well, if I’d been a pancake I’d never been in the situation ‘cos I’da long ago eaten m’self. I’d say though that in such a situation I reckon I’d eat myself–and definitely with mustard… and onions. Or with chili.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

Question: How many stairs are there in Melchers?

Answer: Well now, here’s the thing, if I EVER figure out where Melchers begins and ends I will get back to you with the number of stairs in the build. As for the moment, if you could call someone I think I’m lost somewhere on the second floor….please help, my yam supply is running low!